Unforgivable

Desolation started its invasion at its most and I couldn't help to feel as alone as I could ever be.

Pain was notorious in his effete skinny body, I could feel his suffering through his gaze, he had been crying for help for so long.

I took care of him as never before that night, but it was all a failed attempt to feel less guilty with myself after all the neglect that led to that situation, acknowledging there was only one choice and that it would came over me fastest than expected.

At this point, I couldn't be near myself anymore, I was the worst person in the world, but my thoughts were in a constant fight: to keep on suffering for what I did[not do] to him was the most selfish act since having him all by myself, even worse than the starve or the lack of love, because the pain I caused to myself was something I just deserved, but the true pain I caused to him was something he never should've been through, he didn't deserved that at all, I was hurting an innocent just because I wasn't responsible enough; but something (someone) told me I shouldn't feel that way, that it wasn't my fault, that I was not myself at the time, that I was not able to take care of anything or anyone or even myself, that I couldn't have been able to do anything if I had realized of what was happening to him before, and some of those thoughts were true, some of them half true and some others were just words trying to calm me down.

I concluded that even thinking about how it was affecting me or that it was all my fault, was not as important as helping him ease all the pain. I devoted myself to him for the little time we were going to share, I took care of him with all my love, I did not wanted to think about anything but our last time together
My little one, you've now become a memory in me

It will all end with another selfish thought, death will come around me and my reaction towards it will always be the same, I should've done something, I could've been different, I deserve the pain this will cause. Death coming in that way will always be with me, it will be my backpack, heavy and hard to carry, my anchor to the cold stone reality I've pushed myself to live in.

Written in 12/02/17